Money-Making (and Anxiety-Lowering) Lessons I Learned from My Circle of Women Lawyers
As the pandemic was in full swing, along with what now seems like at least half the world, the chronic isolation was starting to seriously affect both my health and happiness - but also more and more, my career. As my anxiety was increasing, my sleep was withering away, and between the two, it was incredibly hard to exercise and to eat well. Surprise, surprise: the mental toll of so much stress and so little relief began to affect my work. I knew something had to give.
I had reached a point where one thing was really resonating: CDC instructions to socially distance, combined with my introversion, career, and mothering responsibilities, forced me to wake up to the fact that I was approaching way too much of life on my own.
It wasn’t just the pandemic’s “fault;” as a GenX mom, I am middle-age, and thus squarely in the “sandwich generation,” caught between raising kids and competing family demands. For some women, it’s aging parents; for me, as a single mom, it was those nagging “second shift” tasks - the tidying up, managing our family’s social calendar, and scheduling the appointments, to start.
Then of course, there are the gender bias issues that so many of us encounter. As one example among many, I had courted a major (male) investor for one of my company’s projects, and was flabbergasted when the investor profusely thanked my younger male associate - junior to me by 20 years - who had contributed very little and yet lavishly took full credit for my work. I was so upset, but I had no one to strategize with - my therapist wouldn’t understand, I couldn’t discuss something that would reflect poorly on my company with industry colleagues, and my “mentors” at work were all men who had never experienced such a thing. I confronted the associate, he apologized profusely - and proceeded to do nothing to correct the investor’s perception. It was infuriating, stressful - and isolating. It wasn’t the first time, but my underlying stress caused this incident to put me over the edge, and my anxiety became intolerable.
I broke down - and a good thing. I realized that I had to form the kind of circle that I wanted. Naturally, I wanted to be in community with women lawyers - women who experienced my same obstacles, but were, like me, wordsmiths, collaborative strategists, impact-seekers, and above all, brave.
I’ve come to realize that some of my personality traits that led me to choosing to become a lawyer, combined with the nature of the training and the profession, were contributing to my feelings of isolation, stress and anxiety, because they were unchecked. As lawyers, we are:
Trained to anticipate (a.k.a. worry) what could go wrong;
Taught to resolve problems through (prevailing in) conflict;
Coached to present a brave, tough demeanor (thus reinforcing a cultural stereotype that seeking support is a sign of weakness);
Often perfectionists (which might have been useful earlier in our schooling, but can lead to burnout at later stages if we can’t delegate work or have no one to delegate it to);
Reading and writing for much of the day, which are tasks one does solo; and
Often self-employed and/or work remotely, with no one to brainstorm with about the personal nor the professional challenges that naturally come up.
What I learned, though - was that these very same traits made creating a community of women lawyers a perfect counterbalance to me for each challenge I was experiencing.
I was a little nervous to call such a group together, but what happened next was transformational. The women were from diverse backgrounds, and in our closed community, shared their experiences in a way that was both educational, and healing.
We shared our goals, including supporting each other's professional growth, sharing resources and advice, and holding each other accountable for achieving each of our goals.
As it turns out, trained strategists and orators, especially brainstorming in community, could propose a variety of executable, smart solutions to any challenge I presented. High achievers propose solutions that meet my own high standards. Self-employed women understood my own challenges, and could give me very tailored feedback and ideas. Fellow women who are tough cookies, like me, appreciate an opportunity to relax and let their guard down. Trust, connection, support, and laughter come naturally.
We met regularly. As we shared valuable insights and ideas, we each shared our expertise and perspectives. It was incredibly empowering.
It also expanded my network tremendously. As we learned more about what each woman needed, we naturally shared contacts and referrals. I started to remember that I don’t have to solve everything myself, and began outsourcing mundane tasks, which lowered my feelings of overwhelm.
In time, I heard stories of other women who had left hostile workplaces, bad relationships, and reframed family challenges and found more productive solutions. Even more exciting, I now had an inner circle that included women who had written books, started and grew their own businesses, and figured out how to institute self-care habits that I had found incredibly hard to institute regularly. I started to dream bigger, believe in my own capabilities, and naturally - found renewed interest in prioritizing self-care.
I was, and still am, so inspired by the women in this group. With their support and accountability, I consciously started to realign my life to my core values and to take on challenges strategically. Their validation was empowering and encouraging. The collaborative learning environment allowed me to grow personally - and also to be exposed to a wide range of new business skills (as a lawyer-turned-entrepreneur), such as social media networking, pricing strategy, and best accounting practices.
Joining this type of community continues to motivate me to stay the course of transforming into a better version of myself.
But confidence and technical skills aren’t the only advantages.
Financially, the women in my circle have referred business to me, have told me about other business opportunities that I should consider, and have given me suggestions on how to improve my bottom line. They have also introduced me to other business owners who may become strategic partners.
Mentally and emotionally, I no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. This has helped me to relax more deeply, which has improved my sleep, leaving me kinder, happier, and more able to focus. It also makes me more willing to take care of myself with proper diet and exercise - reinforcing the entire cycle of positive growth and causing it to regenerate.
I don’t have to go it alone anymore. Nowadays, I have a board of advisors that has my back, and I know I can take my business and personal challenges to them for targeted problem solving. I’m more impactful, and I’m just getting started.
xo R
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