I Kept Making This Mistake

Warning: You Might Be Setting Goals Too Early.

Set goals, aim high, persistence makes the difference - sound familiar? Many of us follow this advice but find both setting goals and achieving them to leave us feeling unsatisfied - why is that? I saw that pattern playing out in my own life over and over, until I found a better way to find that elusive fulfillment.

Let me be clear – as someone who is presented with an obstacle and meets it with envisioning a new way over, around or through, setting goals is a vital step in the process of turning a vision into an actual plan - and then into reality. I’m not anti-goals; we need them to get from point A to point B. What I learned the hard way, though, is that organizing hours and years of my life around “Life Goals” was an approach that missed something critical. My life took on a whole new level of satisfaction when I made an important shift - one that I want to share with you so you don’t make the same mistake I kept making. I’ll get to that shift in just a minute.

But first, what’s the problem with goals? Here it is – goals are short term. Goals can be unsatisfying. You hit it, and then you’re done. What’s next? A new, bigger goal. You achieve your desired outcome, you’re done; rinse and repeat.

Worse yet, goals aren’t necessarily meaningful. Your quick hit of pride fades. You adapt to your new circumstances (a phenomenon called hedonic adaptation). Think of the faded luster of that long-awaited beach vacation: the third day, all you see are the neighbors who park their umbrella wayyy too close to yours and are playing that annoying music again. (And don’t even get me started on their kids.)

Last and most importantly, your goals aren’t there for you when times get tough, when you are sleepless, sad and confused. The dream of a beautiful vacation won’t boost your spirits or help you find clarity when you are tossing and turning, stuck in analysis paralysis or mounting an endless uphill climb. The goal adds motivation, but it doesn’t pull you when your energy is flagging and you feel unseen. But hope is not lost – I learned something that changed everything.

It starts and it ends with our values.

Values are the direction you keep sailing toward, not your “vision” (perfect outcome) per se, but rather the guiding principles around which you organize your life. There are so many exercises out there to find them, and to be honest, I did many of them before I found one that was so simple, so direct, that I could finally internalize the lesson. Instead of complicated exercises that would encourage me to paste a mandala-looking chart by my desk or carry a mantra in my purse, it’s literally only 3 words. That’s it.

Encouraged by Kate Northrup’s Do Less, you pour over a list of values and circle the words that resonate. You can buy decks of cards with values printed on them, and choose your favorites, or simply Google “list of values.” With a big list in front of you, you start choosing. You go from 100 words to 15 words, from 15 to 8 words, and eventually down to 3. I found that many of my top 15 words overlapped in meaning, and so my stack looked like 3 little pyramids, with subcategories under the big 3. For me, those top 3 words are connection, personal growth (ok, yes, that is 2 words, smarty pants) and play. Everything else squanders my time.

What I love about values is that they guide you through difficult choices, motivate you to keep going, and clarify who you want to be and what you stand for. I found they also show me where I am most effective and which relationships I want to attract and cultivate.

With my “big 3” identified, a light went off inside of me. That simple little filter, this litmus test, became the lens I through which I saw everything. Why were some friendships so deeply satisfying and others didn’t pull me as strongly? What did I need professionally to know I am playing to my strengths? Which causes can I be most effective in advancing? And in my parenting, what are the ways I can teach my boys the lessons they need to learn most effectively and with the most amount of joy?

Connection. Personal growth. Play.

Realizing this, I started to make some changes, some big and some small.

First, play. In my previous corporate life, I realized that my attempt to improve our company culture with a playful online show (on what was then our regular morning video call) was a perfect activity for me: it was aligned with my values and gave me a reason to laugh during some dark pandemic months. In “hosting” the silly morning video call, I realized I was enjoying a sense of vitality that I wanted to bring into other aspects of my life. I was finally crawling out of the pandemic loneliness and laughing again. Unfortunately, I was engaging in play at the wrong venue – an executive advised that I show more seriousness at work. I knew my “show” couldn’t be canceled entirely because of how this comment made me feel - play met my (very short) values checklist. My body also gave me a clue I could finally notice - goofing around like this left me feeling expansive and free. So, it was obvious that “The Rachel Clar Morning Show” needed a new home. Six months later, I finally found the right platform to play - my “Show” will soon be relaunched at my place of worship, the Rochester Zen Center, rebranded as “Sangha Sandbox by Rachel.” I will resume my (imaginary and self-appointed) throne of hosting friends and strangers to discuss basically nothing, and I will again lead fun, pointless games. We will play as a big group, and create our own inside jokes and poke light-hearted fun at one another. Guess what? We’ll also retain members, draw new people in, and increase community cohesiveness. Making sure I stayed “aligned” with a top value is energizing. Finding opportunities to play influences me well beyond joking around, though -- play is serious business. It is an element in everything I create, including this business. My brain lights up choosing how I will communicate my voice and my vision to each of you - I’m working, but I’m having fun.

Next up: Growth. That one is easy. I simply looked left and right, and realized that some parts of my life weren't challenging me in the ways that I valued. Everything, in a sense, can be called an opportunity for growth – mastering a subject that does not interest you, developing a relationship with someone you don’t respect, persevering through something that makes you go dim inside. But I was craving the type of growth that elevates me, enlivens me, leaves me with a sense that I am evolving into the woman I want to become. It explained why I so often gravitate to particular sections of the bookstore, and why my friends and family members who challenge me are in my inner circle. This also showed me that I needed to make some big changes in my life if I wanted to feel that deep feeling of satisfaction that makes our brains blossom. Keeping myself in an environment where I feel that I am growing - in areas that are relevant to me - and helping others to grow, is now an organizing principle. Again, life now feels more like I’m speeding with the wind at my back. This is what values alignment looks like.

Last, and most central, is connection. I have a social justice oriented heart, that led my loving parents to chant on repeat, “You should go to law school one day!,” which I did - with no regrets. But it took me years to reframe my relationship with conflict and what it means to prevail. I also have learned that my biggest lessons in law school were less about the law and more about communication and justice. Connection, to me, is a thread that weaves through everything I hold sacred now - it underlies my deep care for our planet’s health, my empathy, my preference for deep conversations with gobs of oversharing. Values that to me fall under “connection” include compassion, justice and sustainability (whether my own sustainability, work systems or our planet’s health). With a sense of ease and joy, I can network and connect with people way above my pay grade. Presuming we can establish a genuine connection, the natural result is a shift to exploring ways we can help one another – this is human nature, not manipulation. We want to collaborate because we find what we have in common and are on the same team. Everything and everyone, to me, is interconnected. And yes, that is why it had to be in the name of this business.

Each of us will have our own unique blend of core values, but the concept remains the same – living a life aligned with your values gives you a compass when you’ve lost the damn map, and it’s dark. It points you to choices that energize you -- and you realize that those uphill battles were usually harder because you missed an opportunity to play to your strengths. Your big 3 will help you make decisions with confidence. With my 3 “front and center,” I finally stopped repeating mistakes I was making, over and over, in every realm of my life. I can now set goals that are values aligned, and feel my effectiveness and clarity are tremendously increased. Where I used to feel like I was trying to cut a pumpkin with a butter knife, now decisions feel more like I am slicing through soft butter. The most wonderful “surprise” has been that, in choosing to start with my values, I end up spending my precious time on what I’m naturally good at. A life lesson was finally learned.

What are your core values? I want to know.